Hogwarts Musical
by chahoppy
Summary: What happens when our favorite Hogwarts characters meet disney songs? And two nutty/hyper Authors?
1. Be Our Guest

~ BE OUR GUEST ~ 

A/N: All right, here's something probably done a million times before, but we took it to the extreme, I suppose. Although this "story" has no set time frame, meaning we can hop around to whatever cast of character at any age, we're going to try and give it some reasonable structure. Well, at least for a few of them. Yes, maybe. Anyway . . . read on and enjoy. Copyright junk will be at the very end, not that it's really necessary. I mean, do you actually _think_ we thought up all this stuff? We're flattered, but sadly we only borrowed characters and made them do what we want to to cause us amusement. Yes, we're mean.

It's the Hogwarts' Musical, where devoted followers of the Harry Potter fandom can come and be amused as basically the staff and body and whomever else we decide to toss in and cause ever-lasting, therapy-causing embarrassments. Or that's the plan anyway . . . J 

Channy Hoppy and Kim Hoppy

****

BE OUR GUEST

Authors pass out music to everyone, who then proceed to drop jaws, refuse to take part, take a deep drink, are drag and tied back down after trying to run away, etc, etc . . .

[**Dumbledore**:]

__

Honored Guests and Students, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure  
that we welcome you tonight.  
And now we invite you to relax, let us pull up a chair as the house   
elves proudly presents - your dinner!

[**Dobby**:]  
_Be our guest!  
Be our guest!  
Put our service to the test  
Tie your napkin 'round your neck, dear guests_

[**For some strange, unknown reason, Dobby chose to "tie" the "napkin" around Draco's neck]**

__

And we provide the rest  
Soup du jour  
Hot hors d'oeuvres

"Ow!!! OWOWOWOWOW" House elf drops plate after burning hands, which bumps into elf carrying soup, which spills onto guest.  
"I said hot! Sorry sir!"

__

Why, we only live to serve

[**Various Ravenclaws, frantic]:**  
_"Don't touch the grey stuff! It's poisonous!  
Don't believe us? Ask the corpses!"_

****

(this is corpses moving around!)  
_They can sing  
They can dance  
This is a one-in-a-lifetime chance!  
And a dinner here is never second best!_

Go on, unfold your menu

"We get menus? Pfft! This is a bloody school!"

__

Take a glance and then you'll  
Be our guest  
"Clogged arteries in the chest!"  
Be our guest!

****

[Winky:]  
_Beef ragout  
Cheese souffle  
Pie and pudding "en flambe"_

"Oooh, sorry sirs!! You mustn't get so close to the flames!!"

****

[A Different House Elf:]  
_We'll prepare and serve with flair  
A culinary cabaret_!

"Oops, sirs! We been trying to catch the pizzas like fat man, but we no good!!"

__

Don't you moan  
And don't be scared

"Hello!! Singing house-elves."

__

  
Hey the banquet's all prepared  
No one's gloomy or complaining  
While the flatware's entertaining

"AHH, they're throwing knives!"  
"We're juggling, sirs!"

__

We tell jokes

"Really _bad_ jokes."

__

We do tricks  
With fellow castle hicks

****

[Drink serving Elves:]  
_And it's all in perfect taste  
That you can bet_

****

[All the House elves:]  
_Come on and lift your glass  
You've won your own free pass  
To be out guest_

"I think I'd rather go to Disney World."

****

[Dobby:]  
_If you're stressed  
It's fine dining we suggest_

****

[All the House Elves, out of tune:]  
_Be our guest!  
Be our guest!  
Be our guest!_

****

[Winky:]  
_Life is so unnerving  
For house elves who're not serving  
We're not whole without those to wait upon  
Ah, those good old days when we're useful  
Suddenly those good days turn to Summer!  
Three months we've been sitting  
Needing so much more than eating  
Needing exercise, a chance to use our skills  
Most days we just lay around the castle  
Flabby, fat and lazy  
You walked in and oops-a-daisy!_

****

[Snape:]  
_It's the class!  
It's the class!  
Sakes alive, my labs are a-messed!  
Ink's been spilled and damned the slobs  
I've had the herbs freshly pressed!_

****

[ Trelawny:]  
_Why! It's the Grim  
In the cup for tea!  
My dear, that means Death—fine with me!  
While the cups do their fortuning  
I'll be giggling, I'll be swooning_

****

[Snape, holding potion bottle:]  
_They'll get warm  
Piping hot!  
Bloody gits!  
You let the herbs go to rot!_

****

[Filch *holding messy trophy:]  
_Detention! Your trophies are messed!  
And you've got a lot to do!_

[Fred and George Weasley from their seats:]  
_Is it one lump or two?  
For you, Quidditch foe!_

****

[Doddy:]  
_They're our guests!_

****

[House Elves:]  
_They're our guests!_

****

[Winky:]  
_The students, our guests!_

****

[House Elves:]  
_Be our guest  
Be our guest  
Our command is your request!  
Ten centuries over we're still here  
And we're obsessed:_

"Hell right," a student muttered.

__

With your meal  
With your ease  
Yes, indeed, we aim to please  
While the candlelight's still glowing  
Let us help you

"I can Serve myself! Thank you!"

__

We'll keep going

****

[Dobby:]  
_Course by course  
One by one  
'Til you shout, "Enough! I'm done!"_

"I'm done!!!"

__

Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest

"You can't even sing!"

__

Tonight you'll prop your feet up

"Wouldn't we get detention for that?"

__

But for now, let's eat up  
Be our guest!  
Be our guest!  
Be our guest!  
Please, be our guest!

****

HELP!!!

Ending note:  
Snape: I demand to know why McGonagall didn't have anything to sing! Our any of the other teachers!  
Authors: Umm, we forgot about them . . .  
Other Teachers: snickering or blessing their luck  
Authors: And we like you to be embarrassd.  
Snape: snarl

Trelawny proudly: They must like me, since they remembered me! And my part was perfect  
Authors: We needed a nut. You fit the bill


	2. We are the Students of Hogwarts . . .

We Are The Students Of Hogwarts 

A/N: Part Two of the Series! Originally from _The Little Mermaid_ "We are the Daughters of Triton", we are still welcoming you to the . . . fill in appropriate word 

****

We Are The Students Of Hogwarts

Dumbledore clapped his hands merrily, seeming unaware of the embarrassed expressions on all the other teachers and students present.

"And now," he smiled, clapping his hands together and blue eyes twinkling. You'd think he was taking some sort of twisted glee in all this, as if getting the ultimate revenge on the faculty and students for all his years here. But Dumbledore wasn't really like that, right . . . ? "Now we have a few choice students who . . . _volunteered_ to sing the next song for all of you."

He waved his hands merrily, causing the lights to dim. "Please . . ."

Almost befittingly, Fred and George marched out, wearing frumpy little outfits that could have only been raided from Sir Nick's closest, frills and all. They wore identical grins, enjoying the attention.

George clapped his hands primly. "Okay, people, okay, okay . . ."

Fred raised his hands like the conductor, grinning, if possible, even wider, then let them fall, and a peppy music filled the hall.

Almost as if under a magic spell (and a few of them probably were), several students stood up at each of the four tables respectively. And started to sing . . .

__

Ah, we are the students of Hogwarts . . . 

. . . with a great sense of choreography, any student standing up—and hence not singing, since those who weren't were busy snorting their milk—splashed their hands across their chests.

__

The great fore fathers who founded and named us hence

George waved his wand and caused smoky portraits of the founders to appear, taking great aim in causing Salzaar to appear in cuddly-cute-kitten-dancing-around-the-fabric-printed boxer shorts, which the apparition did his best to cover up before fading away.

__

Gryffindor . . .

Very beat-faced Gryffindor students—well, who do _you_ think we're making do this? J —jumped onto the table and waved their arms out. Fred and George "helped" Percy up.

__

Ravenclaw . . .

Again with the jumping, and a few Gryffindors muttered "Copy-cats"

__

Hufflepuff . . . 

And again with the jumping, although a few of them lost their balance and fell to the floor. But, on the bright side, they made a brilliant recovery by landing on their knees

Silence… 

Fred looked over at George, who was glaring at the Slytherin table, all very tight-lipped and all gripping their seats to avoid the magic of being forced to jump up. The twins cleared their throats nosily in time with the music.

More Silence! … 

There is a sort of scuffle over by the Slytherin table, most of the action hidden by a puff of smoke.

Smoke clears . . .

__

Slytherin . . .

The Slytherins, mostly a bit battered and bruised, mutter very quietly, quickly, with no time to the music, and one of them—guess who!! hehehehe—seems to have his arm twisted in what looks to be very painful behind his back!

__

And then there is the graduated classes, mustn't forget!

A few of the teachers, still not over the past humiliation, jumped up with looks of horror on their faces, and the students were looking entirely grateful that they could pass the solos on.

__

The sweetest blokes and teachers that are misunderstood

You can see Lupin struggling to hold a giant whining black dog in place, as if the dog was trying to escape!, and muttering, "Oh, no you don't! You'll suffer just like the rest—"

__

Since they were the ones that assigned this to us, 

Several of the old students jumped up, exclaiming they weren't teachers! Of course, they were their parents . . . which was even worse.

__

They shall perform their own little da—mmph!!

From many strange locations, the singing students suddenly found they had metal plates over their mouths.

Fred and George frowned, then looked at the guilty teachers, parents, and otherwise, most whom still had their wands out with the look of absolute panic on their face. "Oh, come on, we were just getting to the good part!" George complained.

"Dad, Mum, I can't believe you did that to your own son! When _we_ did that—"
    
    A/N, Part 2:

Kim: That was silly. I'm glad this is under your name!

Chan: Remember, you started this!

Kim: Blame me for everything! At least I got the Slytherins to sing!

Chan: That's because you beat them up. That's Author Interference!

Kim: Well, they were ruining my imagined-scene by not singing.

Chan: And that wasn't even singing . . .that was muttering, really badly.

Kim: I like Slytherins.

Chan: Good, go marry one.

Kim: Very interesting grin

Chan: Snape's free.

Kim: Mental note—do not drink soda when actually having this conversation. Great distance, but it makes everything sticky. Not FUNNY! That was very mean!

Chan: Giggling stupidly while Kim works on her deep breathing exercises So, Kim, working on the—

Kim: Don't you _even_ say it . . .

Chan: hehehehe . . . say what? Da-dumming the wedding march

Kim: DIE!


	3. Black Cauldrons and Grades Dont Mix

A/N: Two Winnie-the-Pooh POOH 

A/N: Two Winnie-the-Pooh _POOH_! songs! And don't tell us you don't know which two! (I think some Europeans schools grade by numbers instead of letters, but, since we're American, we stuck with what we know.)

****

Black Cauldrons and Grades don't Mix

Two shapeless blobs tip-toed away from the Fat Lady in her frame . . .

__

We're just little black cauldrons,  
brewing towards that grade book . . .  
We're only little black cauldrons,   
pay no attention to little us 

Everyone knows that a cauldron never changes grades,   
no not a grade . . .

"Unless a Weasley gets a hold of it."

__

We're just bubbling around the dungeons   
wondering where we will tip

Deep in the heart of Hogwarts  
Where potions brew many days,  
Hidden among the toads and warts  
The infamous grade book lays.

"Ah-ha, the book! The Book!"

"Careful, he might have it booby-trapped."

"Hey, people are paying us good money to fix these grades . . . and some not. We got work to do!"

"We got to be careful!"

__

A snakey named Malfoy has an "A"  
And Crabbe and illiterate Goyle?!

"WHAT?!?!"

Fred pointed at the book, eyes wide. "Ohh, bribery! BRIBERY!"

"Well, we'll set _that_ right!" George stated with a proud grin.

__

Oh, here's Harry, here's 'Miney, and here's Ron!!

"Fred, he's our brother!" George said as his twin hefted the quill.

"I _know_, and he'll thank us!"

George looked at the grade and grimaced. "Oh . . . guess you're right."

__

And now, y'all, how about you?

With a regal and serious finesse, both twins hefted quills and looked seriously at the opened book in front of them.

__

How about you?

"A!" Fred crowed indiscriminately, splashing the grade down. 

__

How about you?

"B!" George countered.

__

The little cauldrons sure know their stuff!

"Too right!"

__

And how about you?

"C!"

__

How about you?

"E!"

"You forgot 'D'."

George sniffed. "No, I'm not giving anyone _that_ grade."

"You had it."

"Shhh!" George said, pushing his brother causing his brother, with his enormous potbelly, to roll around the floor like a misshapen bowling bowl.

__

Tipping, slipping little cauldrons!

****

The grade book was set down lovingly, with not tricks or ties attacked. Even still, Fred whispered,

__

"George Weasley? I think Snape may S-U-S-P-E-C-T something."

"Oh, you can spell!"

__

"Perhaps he'll think another lil cauldron did it?"

"Why he just might. You never can tell with cauldrons."

"Oh, We're just little black cauldrons brewing away from that grade book . . ."

****

They walked through the halls in their costumes, occasionally bumping into each other with clangs.

"Do you really think the cauldron costumes were necessary?"

"This is a _musical_. They always wear weird stuff!"

"Good point, but I think next time we shouldn't use _our_ cauldrons. Now we got to buy new ones."

"Why didn't you think of that before! We got a Potion Test tomorrow!"

"With our grades, we can fail one test."

"Wha . . oh, good point . . . good point, Brother Cauldron."


	4. He's a Tramp

A/N: We're back!! No that is not a threat! Unless you'd like to take it as one? Hmm? Anwho, it's He's a Tramp from Lady and the Tramp, if you haven't figured it out already. Personally I don't know why we bother with A/N's it not like anyone reads them. Anywho one with the nice little song.

**__**

He's a Tramp

Sirius sat in the common room talking with his friends, James, Remus, and Peter (Of course! Who else would it be?), most likely talking about their next major prank they were going to play. While an on looker of a group girls watch from a corner. The girls whisper in hush voices, a girl now and again looking up. 

One girl with fiery red hair, known as Lily, snickered as the girls continue looking at Sirius and talking about him, she looked over at her best friend, Nicole, and both nodded their idea and joined in on the over girls conversation. A couple minutes later the group burst into giggles with vigorous nods. The girls stood up and walked over to the boys, their hands on their hips.

As if on cue, music began to play from an unknown source (but if one looked closely, one could see two authors sitting around a corner with a boom box). 

Nicole stepped forward, beginning the song, while all the other girls dance to the music with people beginning to look up and watch. The girls were all looking at Sirius as Nicole sang.

__

He's a tramp   
But I love him   
Breaks a new heart   
Ev'ry day 

Remus, James, and Peter snickered; holding their laughter in, at Sirius shocked face (along with the rest of the Common Room).

Nicole ignored them as she continued on with the song. Noticing the blush that was creeping up into Sirius cheeks from the song and the snickers that were coming from his friends.

__

He's a tramp   
They adore him   
And I only hope   
He'll stay that way   
He's a tramp 

Two different girls and Lily stepped away from the line of other girls singing the next three lines of the song smirking.

__

He's a scoundrel  
He's a rounder 

Lily sang out, red in the cheek from trying not to laugh with the common room, the next line before Nicole continued with the rest of the song.

__

He's a cad 

Nicole moved closer to Sirius nose almost touching but then she backed smirking, continuing to sing now standing next to Lily.

__

He's a tramp   
But I love him 

Nicole looked over at the other girls, putting her hand over her heart looking down and shaking her head as she sang the next line of the song.

__

Yes, and even I Have got it pretty bad   
You can never tell   
When he'll show up   
He gives you   
Plenty of trouble I guess he's just a   
No 'count pup   
But I wish that he   
Were double  
He's a tramp   
He's a rover 

Nicole turned about and began walking away looking over her shoulder as she sang that last part of the song. By now the entire Gryffindor common room had broken out in silent laughter no longer trying to hide it from Sirius.

__

And there's nothing   
More to say   
If he's a tramp   
He's a good one   
And I wish that I   
Could travel his way

Nicole sang the last part softly over again, before smiling and bursting into laughter along with Lily and the other girls as everyone the common room began to applaud. The girls high fived each other, at accomplishing to make Sirius embarrassed.

The girls grinned and all bowed before going their separate ways. 


	5. Servants and Love

A/N: What's there to say? It's a Lily/James song-ficlet of sorts, I suppose. I couldn't remember the exact dialougue we thought of, which was better, but this'll do, I suppose.

****

Servants and Love

Hogwarts, the land of pranks still to be conquered and set up, the land of dangers and mystery, such dangers as flying cauldrons and mysteries like "Is it okay to open this door? A large bucket of water isn't going to fall on me, is it?"

The purveyors and origins of such questions, worries and causes were currently lounging towards the dudgeons and a certain rival house quarters when a trickling sound melted into their ears. The three looked at each other curiously, then, the majority with the sort of minds who push any button just to see what it does, even if it says absolutely under no circumstances to touch it (well, you got to know _why_ it says not to push it, right?) set out to follow the sound.

__

My own love   
My own love   
My own love   
My own love 

The boys stuck their heads into the room to see back of a familiar redhead working over a potion.

"Look! What's that?" James asked, interested, sticking his head in further.

Remus sighed. "Oh, It's the Potions classroom. I wish I could forget it like that."

James frowned at Remus' dry wit. "No, No! I mean that!" He pointed into the classroom at Lily. 

Sirius looked, barely paying any mind. "Forget about those. They ain't nothing but trouble," he growled, thinking about his recent ex-crush. She seemed to have believed dumping hot tea into his lap was the correct way to say their relationship was over. He could barely ride his broom.

James slipped in further, curious at the smoke. "Just a minute. I've never seen one before." 

"What! Have you been walking around with you eyes closed your whole life!?" Sirius asked in a mocking voice, pushing him hard.

"I meant the bloody potion! I'll be right back. I want a better look."

"James! Wait a minute, our prank . . ."

"Ah, Sirius. Let him have a better look. He'll never be able to think otherwise."

"He can't think under the best of circumstances!"

"Look whose talking."

Lily kept on humming, unaware of James slipping over.

__

Rose buds from the forest   
Chocolate candies to the lips  
Once this bloody potion's finished  
I'll have a servant of my own.

Of my own...   
Of my own...

Sirius and Remus looked at each other curiously.

"Is she making a love potion? They're illegal!"

Sirius' grin widened. "Ohh, we can get her now! Little Ms. Perfect, ha!"

__

If my love expects me to fetch a glass of water,  
He'll be seriously concussed.  
  
I shall have a handsome husband and a maid of my own   
I'll send him to fetch the papers   
And he'll be the one cooking in the home. 

Mmm... Mmm... 

He'll be the one to get the paper,   
And serve me breakfast in bed at home.

Lily suddenly turned and spilled something scalding hot all over James. "Oh!" she gasped, but there was a faint smile on her face.

"She did that on purpose," Sirius said slowly.

"Obviously!" Remus agreed, surprised that James didn't find it as obvious as them.

Suddenly Lily turned and dumped a bunch of stuff into James' unresisting arms.

"James!" Sirius squeaked. "Come back! Come back! The Marauders can't be bested by some girl, some . . . some Lily!"

"Go on!" Remus snorted, near giggles at his friends' stupid faces. His werewolf nose was bringing the potions fumes to his head and meddling his thought processes a little, but it was still hilarious. "Go on, James. You'll never live this down." He quieted a moment. "I have that ten-inch Charms essay to write . . ."

They watched as James followed Lily around like a zombie, a stupid smile on his face, and then hid as the two left the room.

"He's potion-ed," Sirius spat, horrified.

Remus patted his arm, shrugging. "It was inevitable, Sirius. She had to get him back after James smothered her broomstick with glue."

"James did that?!" Sirius chuckled, then wrapped an arm around Remus. "Well, Moony, buddy, let's get back to our own prank! We got some Slytherins to beat!"

And guiltless, the two headed back on their prescribed trek to the Slytherin Common Room. James could look after himself, and besides, this way they had a reason to get back at Ms. Evans, nay, Mrs. Potter!


End file.
